Okay... it's 2 a.m. I was asleep until my dog woke me up so she could go to the bathroom, now i can't go back to sleep, and my mind is rushing. I'm not exactly sure what to do.

First off: My life has been amazing lately. I have the best of friends[barely get to see, but i love them], a great boyfriend; along with a great relationship. Everyday as been nothing but smiles, laughter and love.
But last week, my body decided the anti-depressants I've been on for the past month aren't working to well with my mentality and gave me two nights of HORRIBLE panic attacks. Sweats, flashes, hallucinations, thoughts of suicide, yea I realized this isn't normal, immediately in the morning I called my neurologist and she told me it was definitely the medication and to just stop it. I was on the lowest dosage so there was no "weening" me off of this. She informed me that: I WILL have withdrawal, I will have slight panic attacks, and i will not feel comfortable with myself for a little bit, but this is worth never having those images, those nightmares, those fears ever again. So I'm currently, as I'm typing this, going through on of those slight panic attacks and anxieties. I just need to write this, get this out of my system and maybe then i can sleep again for the night.

I feel alone, and afraid. since I've been off the meds, my hallucination have ended, and thoughts of suicide as well, but I'm afraid that I am going to be thought of as crazy, or mentally unstable. I'm afraid of losing my friends, family, and my love. I know this will pass, I know I'll be myself again soon, but right now, I'm not.

I keep thinking back to a couple of months ago, I was going through my attic when I found an old letter I had written to my mother when i was eight years old. It said "I had another bad thought, Mommy. I love you" When I was eight I actually had a fear of killing myself, fear that everything I touched would kill me. That I was being hunted by every other "human" which btw, I thought i was the only one of. I thought everyone else was an alien back then.

Again I know this will all pass but those memory that I forgot and ignored, laughed at are haunting me.


Anyone have an advice? :\...